♫ Can someone tell me what is going on ♫ ‘Cause I don’t understand ♫ There must be somewhere I belong ♫ Some days I want to run and hide ♫ Tell me are you on my side ♫ Why can’t I just be myself ♫ Why ♫ Get me out of here ♫ Take me where I can be free ♫ Get me out of here ♫ Anywhere I can be me – In exactly one minute my life will end. Not because I’m sick or
hit by a runaway train or a stampede of crazed baboons. It’s because of them. – Excuse me, make way for the talent. ♫ Do, re, so, fa, mi, so, la, ti – Those people, people who
pretend to be my parents, are about to come onto this stage and do something so
unbelievably humiliating, my life will be destroyed forever. (vocalising) Only one thing can save me. If my best friend Hector can
come through those two doors in the next
(clock ticking) 18 seconds, with medical
evidence that will change the whole course of my life forever. This whole nightmare began five days ago. – So the school, in
its wisdom, is inviting all parents to take
part in the talent quest to raise funds for the new playground. – Sir, mum and dad are gonna love this. You should see the way
they play the piano. – I’m sure I will. – That’s Brittany, she’s
practically perfect. Perfect teeth, perfect nose, perfect eyes. Even her parents are perfect. – Ah! – I saw that, Leon. Apart from an aptitude
with airborne missiles, does your family have
any special talents, son? – No. – Right, Taylor, what about your parents? Any stars in the family? – Hi, excuse me, excuse me. Do you wake up each morning
and think I love my undies? Well I do because I shop
here at the Underpants King. Another of these undies. ♫ Makes you feel good ♫ Makes you wanna dance ♫ Makes you feel good ♫ Wearing underpants ♫ They wear ’em in Spain ♫ They wear ’em in France ♫ It makes you feel good ♫ Wearing underpants – Why can’t my mum be
like everyone else’s. I mean why can’t she be a nurse? Or a teacher? Or a nursing teacher somewhere in Africa. – Taylor! Over here, it’s mummy, Taylor! It’s mummy! Don’t forget four o’clock, training bra. Training bra. (ominous music) ♫ They make you wanna strut – [Hector] I think I’ll just… – I know what you’re thinking. My life is seriously bad, eh? But it gets worse, much worse. See that big canary over
there in the red undies? Well, that’s my dad. You’re wondering how a
perfectly normal girl, like myself, can be
related to weirdos like– – Hello sir, the bottom’s
falling out of underpants, aye? – [Man] Good one, Don. – Taylor, how’s my best girl? – Dad, why are you dressed like that? – It’s underpant awareness day. I’m launching a global
celebration of underpants. – There’s a reason why
they’re called underpants. – Squirt, it’s all about marketing, love. Is that for me?
– No! Library fines. Okay, so it wasn’t a library fine. (easygoing music) But if he saw the notice
about the parent talent quest, he’d go into it and that would be bad. Disastrous even, so I had to lie. All right, I know, it’s pretty pathetic to tell a lie. But some things that you don’t
want to happen will happen and unless you do
something about it, well– – See you guys later. – Yeah, see ya. Did I mention Brittany’s
house is perfect too? And guess what? It just so happens to be
right next door to mine. – See ya, small fry.
– Knucklehead. Hector’s been my best friend forever. If only he lived next door. – [Layla] Mum, that sucks. That really, really sucks. – It’s not gonna happen,
it’s a school night, you have homework. You can see Anthony on the weekend. – That’s three days away! – Layla, I’ve made up my mind. (Layla groaning) (rock music) – Oh, in case you’re wondering. Layla is an ancient Gaelic
name for boy magnet. Whereas my name, Taylor
Fry, is old (mumbles) (Layla clears throat)
Bony fish dish. – There’s something I
want you to know, mother. – Yes? – The feelings I have
for Anthony are real. He’s handsome and
sensitive and after school he has a brilliant job in animal health and fitness management. – He walks greyhounds. – I love him. And I’ll tell you something,
you’d better get used to it because one day we’re gonna get engaged. – He walks greyhounds. – [Layla] Anthony. – Hi. – Anthony, come inside, dear. But you can’t stay long. (car turning) – Come on girls, we’re late. Time and tired undies wait for no man. Come in, Brit. – Mum and dad are so excited. They can’t decide what
piece they’re gonna play for the talent quest. – Talent quest? What talent quest? – Right now, Mrs. De
La Costa wants numbers. If your parents have expressed a desire to perform in the talent contest, now is the time to let me know. Hector? – Mum will be working. – Brittany? – Mum and dad will be playing Boccherini’s Piano Concerto in A Minor. – The whole thing? – Yes. – Splendid, Leon? – Dad’s gonna read some of his poetry. (laughing) – I look forward to that and
don’t even think about it, son. Taylor? – Can you repeat the question? – Will your parents be performing? – How am I gonna get out of this? – I didn’t mean to scare you, Taylor. – Mystic Marge, mum’s cousin. – I’ve seen something about
you in my tea leaves, look. – What, that lumpy thing there? – Oh no, lovey, that’s sugar. That, see? All is not what it seems. – What’s not what it seems? – You’re going to get a sign. It’ll change your life forever. – Really? – You’re going to do a
favour for a highly respected member of the community, a woman with red hair. – I wonder who that could be, Marge. – I’ll have a toasted
cheese and tomato sandwich, tell them to go easy–
– Easy on the pepper. – [Marge] Get yourself a refreshment. ♫ Going crazy, crazy for your love ♫ Crazy, crazy for your love – Yow! – No, no, no, no.
– What? – I don’t know, what’s the word? – Bad? – No.
– Old fashioned? – As if. – [Layla] Anthony. – Hi. Can you come out for a walk? – Sure.
– No. – [Don] No, she can’t. – Dad. – You know the rules, darling. You saw him last night. – Dictators! – Whoa, rehearsal’s over, what a pity. Looks like it’s time to punish Layla. – Oh, I know.
– Tell me. – Our belly dance.
– Of course, brilliant. I can see it now, a
fusion of your belly dance and my Latin rhythm. – I’m gonna be sick. – Oh darling, perfect. – So this is it. This is how my life will end. The cause of death, public humiliation. Could the death of Taylor
Fry have been prevented? I’m afraid not, Your Honour. The victim’s mother wore a midriff top. She belly danced in front
of the whole school. – [Layla] Taylor. – [Taylor] What’s this? – It’s a dog, durr brain. Anthony and I are going out,
you’re looking after him, OK? – Me? – Skinarinee is a good boy. Careful, that scabby skin comes off. – So, been in the racing game long? – So after 50 years of living in a park, Jessie Brewers was finally
reunited with her birth mother, Anna Turrington. How did it happen, Jessie? – Somehow I always felt different,
even when I was a child, I suspected that I was adopted. – That’s it. I’ve always felt different
too and that’s why. All is not what it seems. I’m adopted. – I believe ya, I mean look at me. People think I’m a greyhound
but I was swapped at birth, really I’m a schnauzer. – Right. Hang on. If they’re not my birth parents, then they can’t enter the talent quest. It’s for real parents
only, this is brilliant. It’s perfect, now all
I need is some proof. – Darling. What do you think? That’s a dog, why? – Layla’s gonna kill me. – So what am I looking for? – Papers, photos, anything
that might prove I’m adopted. – Yellow call me crazy but
wouldn’t it just be easier to ask, was I or was I not adopted? – And tip them off that I’m on to them? No way. – The dog lover, thanks to
that I’m grounded by the way. – If I was to ask you something important would you tell me the truth? – No. – [Taylor] Was I adopted? – No, Taylor, you weren’t adopted. You’re constructed from Play-Doh that’s why you’re so brainless. And ugly. – No way I’m related to that thing. – Possibly, but if you wanted to prove it, there’s only one way you
could do it for sure. DNA testing.
– DNA testing? – They can tell you
straight away whether or not you’re related to your twisted
sister and your parents. All we need is one of your hairs or fingernails or something. And then we get a scientist comparing it with one of your mum’s. So all we need is something like… This. Maybe we need a bigger sample. – Hey guys, what’s cooking? – Homework.
– With the photo albums? – It’s a family tree project. – Oh, oh, oh, look at Don. Oh, Layla when she was only two. – Your hair looks great in that picture. – That’s Don. – Oh but in that picture your hair looks especially great. Maybe it’s just the cut. – Maybe. Oh my goodness, look at Layla there. Isn’t she just the most beautiful baby? – So how’s your extra
Saturday coming along? – Well we’re workshopping a new routine. It’s a little bit saucy. – [Taylor] Tag. – Oh, thank you, darling. – Just doing the right thing. – I’ll bring this back. Don! – This will have to do. What? – Can I help you? – Yeah, we were wondering do you do DNA testing? – No. – What do you mean no? – I mean no we don’t do it. – This make a difference? – No. – What if I join this as well. – We don’t do DNA testing. – What do you do then? – Piercing, I’ve nearly
got the hang of it now. Do you guys want to give it a shot? – Run. The old heart. The most efficient
organ in the human body. So powerful, so easily broken. – Put it back, Hector. – Tell her it’ll have
to be next Wednesday. – [Man] Yes. – Now you must be Miss Fry. What can I do for you? – We need some DNA testing done. We needs the results urgently. 3 o’clock Saturday. – Saturday? I’m sorry Miss Fry but
it’s my duty to inquire why a young woman of 11
might require DNA testing in such a hurry? – Well–
– We’re getting married. – Brilliant. – It will be a beach
wedding in between flags. I’ll be wearing a suit and
I’ll ride in a surfboard. – By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride. – No! – I’m afraid this is
all far too irregular. I’m sorry, Miss Fry, I can’t help you. – [Taylor] You have to! – It’s impossible, now if you’ll excuse me I have a very busy schedule. – Will this make it OK?
– No. Professor, what if a
woman who was pretending to be your mother was
threatening to belly dance in front of your whole school? Wouldn’t you want to prove
that you weren’t related too? – Miss Fry even if I
did agree to the test, I couldn’t produce definitive
results by Saturday. My hands are tied. – Excuse me, sorry. I couldn’t help overhearing
the conversation you just had with the professor. I understand the situation. – You do? – My father took up jazz ballet at 43. – I’m so sorry. – Thanks. Look I really shouldn’t be doing this, but if you give me the samples I’ll make sure you get
the results by Saturday, but this is strictly between us, okay? – Okay. – [Hector] I don’t know
why you’re so worried. Leon’s dad is reading poetry. – That’s so romantic. – That’s so embarrassing. – Leon’s never embarrassed. – Leon, Leon, Leon. – Do you think he likes anybody? – He likes Leon. – A girl I mean. – What, Brittany?
– No. Some other girl. – How would I know? – You could ask him for me. – Me? (easygoing music) – Come on, knucklehead, give me a hand. – And so he learned with fingers burned the error of his ways. He did his time, six months of nine. Proving crimes so rarely pays. (coughing) That’s it. (clapping) – Thank you, Gary Lipowski. – Fingers.
– Ah fingers. Now to delight us even further, I’d like to introduce our
second last act for the day, Michael and Loretta
Flune who’ll be playing a duet for us. Boccherini’s Concerto in A Minor, the whole thing. (groaning)
The Flunes. (clapping) (piano music) – Come on Hector, where are you? – These results are strictly confidential. Only to be opened by Taylor Fry. – Yes, yes, come on. I’ll make sure of it. (aggressive piano music) (laughing) (clapping) – Come on, where are you, Hector? (triumphant music) – [Hector] Run. – Ladies and gentlemen,
I’d like to announce a last minute change to the programme. Don and Glenda Fry will not
be performing as scheduled. These DNA tests have
proven once and for all that my real parents are–
(drum rolling) George Clooney and Nicole Kidman. (cheering and clapping) – Now our final act for this afternoon– – Wait! Clinical DNA testing of the
hair sample produced were provided reveals indisputably
that your mother is greyhound?
– Greyhound? – [Teacher] We’ll have to get on with it. – Skinny finny. – Our final performance for today is from Don and Glenda Fry who will be performing an original piece entitled Undies Through the Ages. A fashion spectacular tracing
the evolution of underwear. (clapping) (microphone screeching) – I can’t believe
they’re doing this to me. Tell me they can’t be doing this to me. – They’re doing this to you. – Our story begins way
back in the Stone Age when cavemen roamed the earth. With nothing but a simple loin cloth to protect him from the bitter winds and harsh winter elements. – This can’t be happening. (grunting) – Oh no, oh no. Do you want to wait and
get rid of a teacher? (laughing)
(clapping) During the 15th century, the nappie was introduced. (laughing) (country music) And during the American Gold Rush, the long john became popular. Particular with the advent of
the handy little back flap. (laughing) – Leon? – What? – I have to explain,
it’s about my parents. (playful music) (microphone screeching) – See my dad has this brain injury. – Yeah. – It makes him do things.
– Sure. – Behaves like a lunatic. (Scottish music) And mum hasn’t been the same
since the tree fell on her. – Yeah. – It took six chainsaws to get her out. – Your parents are legends. – Legends? – This rocks. (clapping)
(cheering) (easygoing music) – I have the feeling you
stuffed up really bad. – Mm. – And don’t you hate it
when the person you really really like just thinks you’re a dork? – DNA testing, I mean
what were you thinking? There’s no way we can be related. See, we’ve got different builds and I’ve got this weird
thing for mechanical rabbits. – Do me a favour, shut up. – All right, all right, I’ll shut up. What was that, was that a rabbit? Are they, what, oh no, maybe not. I like rabbits. (upbeat music) ♫ Why ♫ Why ♫ Why ♫ Can someone tell me what is going on ♫ ‘Cause I don’t understand ♫ There must be somewhere I belong ♫ Some days I want to run and hide ♫ Tell me are you on my side ♫ Why can’t I just be myself ♫ Why ♫ Get me out of here ♫ Take me where I can be free ♫ Get me out of here ♫ Anywhere I can be me